Kinship? My Foot!

Guess that this is going to be my 1st post not on my thoughts or feelings. Had a really huge quarrel with my mother recently. This quarrel is one which really made me think what exactly is the relationship with your family and relatives. For those who knew what happened to me will know why am i thinking it that way. Really wonder,what really constitutes to a kin's real relationship? Is it one which contains hatred,lack of understanding over each other? Or is it the fact that there's only one party who's giving and the other taking it for granted,just because they are more senior? Is this really the family that i'm in,one so different from my idea of relationship? I really do not know. Everyone knows that there's a limit to tolerance,so why must they keep pushing it more and more? I had not wanted for anything to even happen,why must there be one who would always keep forcing me to become so cold,so cold that i don't even remember myself anymore? I really do not wish for so many things,why?!?!!


Yet another sad story,finding that i had to go through all these things. Good thing i still have a place of solace outside home. One more thing,i think i'm gonna be gone from my home soon. Having so many problems,i don't think that there will ever be anymore hope in staying in that family anymore. I can't even feel the warmth in that place anymore. Never do i wish to even find another place where i will find such a thing again.

Lonely

Met with quite a few relationship problems recently.Relationship problems not as in love n stuff like that,it's about all sorts of stuff due to friendship n kinship. I find that i do have a lot of friends. Yet,i really cannot figure out who are really true to me and who are those that will help you in your face but stab you in your back. Suddenly and surprisingly,i found that i'm quickly becoming a loner. One who finds that he/she have had lost many friends. Those that were close are now only acquaintances. Those that were acquaintances don't even greet each other even when they meet each other now. Scary feelings now start to creep up onto people. I wonder if this is what is happening between relationships in human now? In the past,i hear from my tutors that life during the schooling time is the best,the most fun,the one where you find your true friends. Yet i seem to be finding more and more lies that have been creeping up.


Really,are all these going to be part of life now? I even find that i do not even feel about losing all the friends. Is this what it's going to become,an emotionless world filled with lies for selfish gains that is going to bring harm to those who people care so much about?


What is loneliness? is this the best solution to avoid being hurt nowadays? Is this going to be the root for the emotionless world that may be happening? Will there be more and more of those people who would do anything to gain their selfish needs and less and less people who will really care for those around them? What is life now man? I really feel the near future filled with so much dread that i really do not know what i really wish for. This dread is making me think that life is really a torture,giving us so much pain and harm that i really do not think that there should be more lives born in this world. Perhaps this is a good time for humans to start thinking whether they should continue to reproduce or should they simply just stop,and let humans die out,letting there be less of those who would get hurt and more of those who need to be salvaged. This is really the scary part,having so much scars and so little technology to cure them.

Growing Up

Been into alot of thinking about a certain topic recently. What is growing up and what will one lose and gain during that period of time. From one who was carefree,not even caring about anything,to the one now who needs to think before doing anything. How long has this journey took? Was it a happy one,or was it one filled with tears and unhappiness. Glad to say,both of them happened in my life.


Saw in one of my friend's blog just now. She said that she finds the children she teaches in the school carefree,find them almost irresistable to be with. Wonder if i was like what one of those kids were when i was young. From the time that i only care about living my life in peace to the current life of thinking whether life is something good or not,many things have changed. And i do know one thing. Nothing is reversible. I really do not know whether i should feel happy or sad knowing that these memories,both fond and heartbreaking,is currently in my head. I'm suddenly feeling sad that i have grown to what i've become. I really wish to find back the child in me,the truly innocent and pure child. Let my wounds heal and be gone. Yet i do know that these things are like the wind,always here,coming to you when you least expect it. Or is it because of my persistent not to let it go and find peace in wherever it wishes to find? Somehow i feel that i had grown old,too old for my age to even comprehend why am i seeking all these feelings that i know that i will never be able to find again.


Ever since i started to seek this path of finding myself in this lost and crazy world,i feel that i've really changed alot. For the better and for the worse. Sometimes,i really loathe the me that i have become,one who thinks more about themselves,and less for the others. Is this really the true me that i have always been? Sometimes it makes me feel blur and hurt to even think about them. I really wish to last myself into the real me,yet at the same time,the real me feels so much like a stranger that it makes me shudder to even think that this is truly what i am. Is this stranger one who will make me feel more like myself,or is this making me feel like i am not only losing myself,but also many other things that i truly treasure? I'm really vexed,what is the truth in my heart.

A Brand New Year,The Same Old Me

Have been staring at the computer the whole time from the start of the countdown to the coming of the new year. In the past,i'd always have special feelings whenever it comes to the end of the old year and the beginning of a new one. However,i suddenly find that this year really holds no excitement for me. I just crossed over the past year to this new one with no suddenly feel of pumping andrenaline or happiness that i've crossed another year. New years usually hold a special meaning to me. Yet i suddenly find out now that the life that i'm going through is so calm,no more of the rise and fall of emotions and stuff like that. It just makes me find that this world is suddenly so boring. Perhaps it's because i've been through so much that i simply find that stuffs that i really enjoyed in the past holds no more meaning to me. In other words,i guess i must be getting old.ROFL!


To speak the truth,i truly find that live now is really like a calm river. No more of the fun and beautiful scenary that the river will bring to liven things up. Even the best of the stuff only come once in a blue moon. Is this really part of growing up? Will what we have really enjoyed in the past be only like just a passing remark in life,where eternal is something that can never seem to be true? Somehow i wonder, where have all the fun and laughter really gone to,making my life look so dull and empty. Is this really going to be part of growing up? Yet,i find that other than having all the laughter and fun gone,i do have gained quite a bit of knowledge that i'd never even thought i'd have gained and understood. Really,do i really wish to have grown up,or do i not? I wonder....


However,there's one thing that i know. The world will not stop spinning just because my life is gone. It is something that led me into thinking about my current dream now. For that sake i will live on my life,for the darkest secret in my life and the theory that i have come up with with my own limited knowledge. Hence,it is something that will keep me going year after year. Being the same old me as i did ever since i thought it out.