Fragment Of My Memories

Been thinking about the past quite alot recently. Perhaps it's because of the fact that i feel melancholic due to me feeling abit ill. Had regretted many things that i had done in the past. These regrets are now poking into my mind as though they are trying to pierce my head and trying to explode them out of my memory bank. This feeling is not making me feel any much better from my melancholic-ness. This also gave me some stuff to think of.

I was in quite a troubled family when i was growing up. I had witnessed my parents quarrel,divorcing,making up,and death of one of my parents. I do not know whether that it is considered as very unfortunate or what,but i really found that these series of events have really changed me alot. To the extent that i really don't even understand myself now. In the past,i had gone through a life which can be said to be a happy-go-lucky life. Although my life now is around the same,it comes with a very strong hint of restrictions on it. This makes me think about whether thoughts of the past is really so much of an experience or is it a journey that brings about the different types of feelings. I had not really wished to dwell too much into it in the past due to my fear of learning the truth. Yet now,i do find that it is something that has really brought me too much change to even neglect the fact. Even till today,i still do not know whether i have the answer in my mind. All the fragments in my mind has really confused my thoughts from the past. I do not know whether this is good or bad,but from what i do know,it has already influenced me since the beginning,till the end. No matter how much i wish to refuse this fact,the one thing that i know is going to happen is that i will never find myself of the past anymore. From the me who was obliging to anything to the current me who will think about what i'm doing is exactly right or wrong,i find that the journey towards this experience is something that i had regretted not treasuring.The part in my life that has always brought about my happiness and sadness. For now,i really do not know what is my goal in life and what is my decision on whether i wish to continue on this journey to find myself again or should i just throw myself into the illusion that my life will always be an ever-changing lie that i will never be able to understand. The road that is plagued with darkness,or the road that shines with the light of glory? The choices that i make,will they be the milestones for my life? Or are they going to be yet another jump into the endless stretch of road of uncertainty which i am already on? Or is this what people term as life,where they seek to find themselves in the endless path,only to find that life is but an illusion of self? Also,do i have the courage to face what i really am? Do i have the heart to take what i may find? Am i ever able to get myself out of this endless chain of choices? The way is set. Am i able to get off the carpeted walkway and walk out onto the mud-filled swamp?